Daddy.

Today is my dad’s birthday. Losing a loved one is hard. When that person is a parent, it’s one of the hardest. At least that has been the case for me. My daddy passed away on September 10, 2020. Although he battled cancer for several years, we didn’t expect him to be gone so quickly. It still doesn’t seem real.

Sometimes, avoiding the fact that he’s gone makes it easier. I try to not think about it often. When I do, rather than sitting in sadness I’m trying to focus on the good times and find a way to smile vs. cry. I lose that battle quite often to be honest.

Our relationship wasn’t always as solid as it was when he passed. I recall purposely trying to upset him because I was angry about his lack of presence during my younger years. Much like him I was stubborn and hard headed. Nonetheless, he apologized and wrote me a poem called “Tik tok - my heart the clock.” Cheesy title but it changed everything for our relationship. Now that he’s gone I can’t find that poem anywhere and it sucks.

My dad and I bonded over our faith and the way God moved in our lives. He changed his life for his kids (all 8 of us) and himself. He wanted to be a better example and he was. I don’t know anyone stronger than him. No one. I wish everyone in the world had the chance to get to know him.

Doctors originally didn’t know how much time he would have with us since his stage 4 colon cancer had spread to his liver… but God. He gave him 8 more years with us. He had time to touch others lives and make a difference, time to be a good example for his sons and daughters, and time to be there for my Nana and Papa when they needed him the most. He may not have always gotten it right but I was so proud of the man he became.

If you met my dad, he was bound to make you laugh. If his jokes weren’t funny, his laugh alone was enough to crack you up. I can hear it now. He had the biggest heart. He was always so proud of me and made sure I knew it. He was a talented artists like my grandparents. His drawings and wood carvings/walking sticks were amazing. I could go on and on.

As much as it hurts that he isn’t here with us in the flesh, I’m so grateful God gave him to us for the time he did.

Sincerely,

Chanel

Motherhood

It’s messy, stressful, hard, exhausting, overwhelming at times but still so, beautiful and rewarding.

There is nothing in this world that could ever truly prepare us for motherhood. From the moment I learned I was pregnant my world changed. It sounds dramatic, but I’m serious. I couldn’t just come home from work and have a glass of wine to relax. No more cold lunch meat sandwiches… the #7 at Jersey Mike’s warmed up just isn’t the same! No more calling in sick for a mental health day because I needed to save as much of my vacation/personal time I could for baby bonding. I had to start planning financially and looking for a new home with bigger space.  There were so many things to do to “prepare”.

I won’t share my whole birth stories here, but nothing can prepare you for that either! I’ll save that for another blog. The short version; contractions hurt like crazy, it was an emotional roller coaster and the desire to cave and get the epidural to ease the pain was extreme. Then, they were here. Both with no epidural as planned. Kasen’s birth story was a lot less dramatic than Kade’s but both were intense, for me. Each time, the moment I held them made all the pain, stress and tears well worth it!

As soon as we give birth, I think our mother instincts kick in. My paranoia got real. Google quickly became the most visited site on my web browser. I wasn’t much of a light sleeper before, but now, the slightest movement or noise from the kids will come, wake me up. That speaks for nights I actually do get sleep, which is even less now being a single mother. Deciding whether or not to vaccinate. Planning for their future. Public school vs. private school. All while living in the present and wondering if I’m doing it right.

There’s so much pressure on being a good mom. What is a “good” mom anyway? Who gets to decide? By society’s standards I’m probably average, at best. Some days I feel like I’m doing great and others I’m just trying to make it through. If I can get my kids fed, teeth brushed and off to bed without problems, I’m winning! Since they aren’t in daycare or school bath nights aren’t guaranteed. It is what it is.

I wasn’t always like that. I am so hard on myself when it comes to being a mom. It has gotten a lot better this second time around. I remind myself that God gave me these children because He trusts that I am capable of raising them. I may not always have it together but I give my kids the best of me, every single day. That may not always be much but I always try.

I believe God knew what He was doing when he made women the nurturers. Despite any self doubt, shortcomings, hardships or trials we face, we keep pushing through. I have good days and rough days. Really rough days, but it really is worth it. I wouldn’t trade being a mother for anything. It has challenged and stretched me in ways I probably wouldn’t have experienced otherwise; mentally, physically and emotionally. There were times when I would be sad and my oldest would randomly say something to turn it all around. All of the “you’re the best, you’re doing a great job and I love you mom” could never be replaced.

Bonus - I can enjoy my cold cuts again!

Sincerely,

Chanel

Letting Go.

This post isn’t as melancholy as the title makes it seem. As I embark upon a new chapter of my life, it requires a lot of letting go. Yes, letting go of relationships, but more importantly… I am letting go co-dependency, self doubt, and fear of the unknown. I’m freeing myself from the toxicity that I’ve allowed to consume such a large part of my life over the past several years. My past blog was a lot more filtered than I tend to be going forward. I was overly afraid of others perspective and the criticism that I may receive. I am freeing myself from that as well. This is my life. My story to tell.

We are a month and a half into the new year and things are going surprisingly well. My boys are happy and healthy. Conversations with my eldest son always take me by surprise. He is four and already so curious about all things. I’m not going to lie, Google has become one of the most visited sites on my phone. My youngest’s personality is coming through more and more each day. He keeps me on my toes. I’m thriving in my career and starting a personal business venture that I’m excited about (more to report on that later). My healing journey has come a LONG way and I couldn’t be more happy about where I am emotionally. The peace I have now I haven’t experienced in a long time. Im grateful.

As I continue this journey called life, and figure things out along the way, I invite you to tag along. Hopefully the things I talk about and experiences I share bring you encouragement. Whether you’re a single mama, on the journey of healing, rebuilding your self-confidence, getting back to YOU, or anywhere in between… I’ve been there. I look forward to connecting with you.

Sincerely,

Chanel